Hi guys.
Gonna go deep today, so buckle up.
Mid January I had pretty much had it. There has been some ongoing family drama that I won't get into, but just know it has been going on a long time, with multiple attempts at resolving it that have gotten nowhere. Because of all that I was sad, angry, and generally deeply bitter.
I was very raw about it, to the point where even a casual mention of the person's involved would send me into a complete brooding rage for the rest of the day.
I'm sure I was an absolute stinking pleasure to live with.
Such a pleasure that I got sick of myself even.
I was tired of being angry. I remember telling Jarod one afternoon that I'd tried. I'd tried talking it out and just letting go of the anger, tried talking to people like my pastor, and tried pouring out all those frustrations to God, but nothing was working.
I don't remember the exact words he said, but it was something along the lines of
Quit trying.
And something just clicked in my little pea brain.
I had tried.
But I don't have that kind of power.
So I pulled out my poor neglected Bible. Gonna be honest here guys, my prayer life is pretty good. I pray a lot throughout the day. But my Bible gets left in the weeds way too often.
I found a notebook and a nice pen (essential) and started thumbing through the pages.
I never know where to read in the Bible.
But I turned to Psalms because I thought--
David was about as human as it gets. He had a temper, he had struggles, and he had enemies. He hit some of the lowest lows.
But...
He also had the highest highs, and was a man after God's own heart.
So since January 24th I've been reading a few Psalms first thing in the morning and writing down any thing that really stuck out at me. And it didn't take me long to notice a trend.
David always did the same thing when he started feeling down.
David wasn't afraid to express his emotions, no matter how raw.
David always left those emotions at the feet of God and left happy and rejoicing.
I wanted that last part. Happy and rejoicing.
I wanted Henry to always see a smile on Mommy's face, and Jarod to come home to someone that is a delight to be around.
So I set out looking for how to get that happiness.
And you know, it's pretty simple.
You just do it.
Trust God, ask him for that joy, and purpose in your heart to be joyful.
And here I thought it was rocket science.
Here's some of the verses I found that really stuck out to me. I don't know if any of you struggle with anger like I do, or depression, moodiness, bitterness, discontent. But I found hope in these verses, and maybe someone else will too.
Psalm 1:1-2
Blessed (I heard a pastor one time say that when the Bible says blessed you can substitute happy) is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in his law does he meditate day and night.
How refreshing to know that I don't have to go seeking to the far reaches of the earth. My delight is in God's word (sitting right on my table) and that will cause me to be Blessed (happy).
Psalm 4:7a
Thou hast put gladness in my heart,
God put it there. David didn't have to go chasing after it in his own power.
Psalm 5:11
But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful.
Be joyful, guys! Trust in God. He's the one who defends us. I don't have to defend myself, or wonder what I did to deserve bad treatment. He's on it. I can praise him and be happy.
Psalm 13.
I'm not going to type this one all out, so go read it. But I love this one.
It starts out sad, and honestly, almost a little whiney. There's some self pitying going on here.
And Maddie said, Amen! I can totally relate to that. That's me.
But David doesn't stay in that mood.
No, it takes about four verses, and then he trusts in God. And that trust turns into singing and rejoicing. Because God has blessed him. I want to be able to be in a tough situation (mine's not even that tough compared to what David had going on--people chasing him, wanting to kill him) and look through the bad and see God has blessed me.
Psalm 16:8-9
I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth:my flesh also shall rest in hope.
I'm not even gonna pretend that I set the Lord always before me, but I want to. I've been in my Bible almost every single day sine January 25th, and I'm so much happier. Not a giddy, silly happiness. Just a calm, contentment. And it's nice. I mentioned a few posts ago that I wasn't sleeping, and I'm 100% sure it had to do with my attitude. But that's gone away lately, along with the nightmares, and it's been great.
Psalm 19:8a
The statues of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart:
This Bible is right, and my day goes way better when I start it out in his Word. As the stay at home mom, my attitude kind of dictates the household. I'm the captain of the ship as it were. (Or maybe the first-mate. Jarod's captain, and while he's away I'm left in charge.) If my attitude is right, Henry's is way more apt to be good, and Jarod can come home to a peaceful household full of rejoicing hearts.
Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him
Psalm 31:7a
I will be glad and rejoice in they mercy:
God has given us so much mercy, and here David just up and said I will be glad. Not I want to be, or I wish I was. He purposed in his heart to do it.
Psalm 37:4&8
Delight theyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.
Those sound like choices to me. Do delight in the Lord. Be completely happy in your place with him. Do stop being angry. Abandon wrath. Don't wish for it. Don't wait for it. Get it done.
Psalm 39:1
I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.
I don't know about you, but when someone hurts me or makes me mad, my first instinct is to mouth off and let them know they didn't get to me.
In my family we call it 'The Morrow Way' but it's actually a really bad way. And I know I said at the beginning that I don't have the power to control my reactions, but that was only the half truth. I don't have the power in myself to control those things. But we see all through Psalms how David took his troubles and reactions to them to God, and then, in God's power, he was able to say I'm going to watch my mouth, I'm going to be happy, I'm going to stop being angry. I want to be able to stand with my enemies and smile and control my tongue.
Kill them with kindness.
Normally I just focus on the kill part of that, because it makes me feel better. Like even when I'm being nice, I'm getting back at them. But I don't want to be that way. I want to just focus on the kindness part.
Psalm 57:7-8
My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltry and harp: I myself will awake early.
I've been trying to wake up early and get my Bible reading done before anyone else, so I can start off my day fixed on God and already in the mood to praise him, so I'm ready when the craziness of life sets in.
Psalm 59
This is another long one that I'm not going to type all the way out, but if you read it you'll notice that David has some detailed, violent descriptions about the people who are after him, and some very violent prayers to God about dealing with them. And then after all the bloody poetry, he comes back around to praising God, because he is our defense.
And I took away that it's ok to have emotions. Even violent bloody ones. I'm sure David wasn't calmly calling down destruction on his enemies, with a bright happy smile. I'm sure there was passion and emotion going on. Sometimes I think I have to clean up my emotions before I can take them to God. That he can't see me upset, and angry, and a hot mess. But God made my emotions. He didn't make me to bottle up and boil inside. He made them to be brought to him, so that he could be our calming refuge and bring us back around to a state of mind that can joyfully worship and praise him.
Psalm 63:5
My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness; and my mouth shall praise thee with joyful lips:
Psalm 65:4
Blessed is the man whom thou choosest, and causest to approach unto thee, that he may dwell in they courts: we shall be satisfied with the goodness of they house, even of they holy temple.
Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the god of our salvation. Selah.
He loads us with benefits every day, guys.
Psalm 71:8
Let my mouth be filled with they praise and with they honour all the day.
We can pray to God and ask him to fill us with that joyful praising spirit.
I saved the best for last. I love this verse. It's found in Psalm 42:5 and 43:5, so David must have liked it too.
It says in chapter 42: Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.
And in 43: Why are thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
Guys, he literally asked his soul why it was upset and discontent, and told it to buck up, because he was still praising God. I want that attitude. I want to be able to tell my own soul to cheer up and praise the God who made it.