I tentatively promise you I'll post more regularly this week. I'm working on a couple tags and blog award posts, an update on my life lately, and more of the story. I'm also trying to concoct a couple deep and meaningful posts about some things I've learned in the last few months, but my thoughts aren't quite forming coherent sentences on those topics yet, so we will see how that goes.
Anyway, I should probably move on to the topic mentioned up there in the title, shouldn't I?
End of story.
Tomorrow, Jarod will be going away to college some three hours away. I'll be at work though, so really, today is the last time I'll be seeing him.
And I already miss him.
It's ridiculous, I know.
And I do know that. Jarod and I have talked about it at length. It's only five days. We only see each other for lunch three days a week. It wont be much different. We can still see each other on the weekends. But we are still dreading it. Funny how that goes, isn't it? People rationalize things out, and it all makes sense and we know its true, but that little thumper in our chest just shakes it's head and says "Yeah, but..."
In books goodbyes are always so poetic. They tear at our heartstrings, but we always know it will be okay. The hero will come back. The damsel will be waiting to run into his arms. Everything will be perfect and life will carry on, happily ever after. But in real life there's always an uncertainty to them. College is a long way away. Anything could happen. Maybe I'm just paranoid of goodbye after reading Allegient. It's possible. Will things be the same when they come back? Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Every time I hear that I flash back to the six year old version of me watching Disney's Robin Hood. Lady Cluck tells Maid Marian that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Marian gets this sad look on her face and says "Or forgetful." Somehow that's never quite left my head.
Of course we will have cell phones, but it's just not the same as having a person there with you; seeing those little grins, and how their eyes change when they're happy. Those things that make it all real.
Amidst the sad feeling of not being able to see him regularly, there's a tiny nagging fear in the back of my mind that wont quite go to sleep. The boys are already ready to party hard once school starts. They've been calling for weeks. So far everything has been good and Jare has handled it smoothly. But I'm a girl, and we are prone to uncertainty. I know I have to trust him, and ultimately God, but sometimes it's so hard to let go of the things we want to hold the closest.
Several weeks back an issue arose. Nothing sinister, but something that gave me pause and caused me to think about where all this was going. I questioned whether this relationship was in God's will. After crying for a good three hours at the thought that my new world might be falling down around me, I would up in the yard of the farm my dad grew up on. The tractor was broke and we were supposed to be fixing it, but my parents just stood and talked to me for probably an hour. They said that there was no way to know yet what was and wasn't the right direction. They said to keep these things in mind and take them to God. All good advice. But the part that really hit me was when my dad said to let go.
He said when we hold on to something so tight, and try to force it to work by our own power it is destined to fail. Whatever is done without faith is sin. By holding on to what I want and not listening to the Holy Spirits leading I was not giving God room to bless and direct my steps. He suggested (he said it had to be my own choice) that I let God have Jarod; that God could take care of him way better than I ever could. That he could move in his heart to put him in the places he needs to be. That God knows better than I do where those places are, and what time he wants him there.
I wrestled with that for the rest of the day. I was scared. If I opened my hand, what if Jare fell out? What if this thing I had invested so much in turned out to be a waste? I didn't want that. I didn't want to have to face that.
But I was miserable, and I knew things were certain to be a waste if I continued on without my Savior's guidance. So I let go. I cried to God for hours that night. I told him he could have Jarod if he wanted him. That I wanted what was best for Jarod, no matter how painful or scary that reality might end up being. I begged that if we weren't in God's will that it would be made clear to me, and that Jarod would come to that decision so I wouldn't have to. I didn't want to second guess myself.
And you know what happened?
Things got better.
Things got so much better.
I never mentioned any of it to Jarod. I didn't voice the concern I'd had. All the changes came about without him knowing anything about it.
It's amazing what God can do when you step out of the way.
When I thought he was closing the door to my little treasure room, really turned out to be him opening the door to the whole castle.
(So far. Things could always change. I'm still telling God that he can have Jare, and that he can have me, and that I want us both to be wherever God wants us. But so far, it seems like we are right there)
Now I find myself telling God all over again, "I can't be in control. I can't be at mechanic school hovering. He's got to be on his own and face the trials that are going to fly at him. I can't hold on to him, but I know you can."
Just because I've got that all thought out in my head doesn't mean that I'm going to sail through this afternoon perfectly. I'll probably cry. Which will be ridiculous. Hopefully I can hold back the flood until I get home. I'll probably destroy my phone by talking on the phone too long, and texting nonstop. I'll probably mope around and eat the leftover chocolate chip cookies from his going away present.
And then I'll be okay.
Because I'm a child of God, and so is he, and if God be for us who can be against us?