Hello good folks.
I’m coming to you today with a comprehensive list of how to survive a worldwide pandemic. Having made it this far, I’m basically an expert. Especially considering I was doing most of these long before social distancing started.
A) Be a hermit.
It’s cool, really. Bilbo was a hermit and he’s loved worldwide. Don’t go outside, and if you do make sure it’s just to the boundary of your own garden.
B) Be antisocial.
Again, Bilbo perfected this, and he’s loved worldwide. It served him very well too. You’ll notice that when Bilbo broke his routine of antisocial hermit-hood, he was very nearly eaten by a dragon and thrown from the parapets by a gold deranged dwarf king. Avoid any such unpleasantness and all other people as well.
C) Stock up on the essentials.
Since you’ll be at home speaking to no one, you’re going to need a few things. I’m going out on a limb here and assuming you’re part of the population who didn’t make it to the store before the army of crazies descended and stole all the toilet paper. If that’s the case, may I suggest Imodium? A toilet paper pandemic is not the time to get the flu. Also, coffee. It prevents insanity, depression, and homicidal tendencies. (Results may vary)
D) Binge watch
There’s never been a better time to watch your favorite shows. But, might I suggest taking into account the people you are isolated with? You’re already mentally taxed at this point. You really don’t want to have The Zombie Talk with a three year old.
E) Binge cook
All the recipes. Main dishes, side dishes, desserts and every dish in between. Remember though that trips to the grocery store are limited, ingredients are scarce, and there is no toilet paper anywhere. Binge cooking also tends to lead to binge eating, which could mean your pants won’t fit by the time this is all over. Binge with caution.
F) Spring Clean.
Use this time at home to tackle all the neglected cupboards and closets in the house.
Actually, don’t. No one needs that kind of negativity.
G) Video chat with friends and family.
Just make sure you never actually enter the camera screen. I know we’d all like to think we’re rocking a cool apocalypse outfit, but we’re mostly rocking the look of death by anxiety and sleep deprivation, with an unhealthy dose of caffeine and sugar high.
H) Home and yard improvement.
Beautify your space! Just remember, social distancing applies to the hardware store also, and your bank account is empty because you bought all the groceries for binge cooking.
I) Embrace the opportunities
Never before has it been socially acceptable to cosplay on a daily basis in public. Are you just gonna let that slip by? Why stop at a basic face mask when you can dress like the worlds best supervillain. And I, I will be on my couch, laughing hysterically at the memes people make of you.
J) Cruise Baby.
Talk your town into putting on a cruise night. Wave and honk at people like you actually like them. Pretend it’s the golden days and play oldies. Wear sneakers and poodle skirts if you want. Hype of the fact that your dad and husband are gonna tear up the town like they did as youngsters. Then stare in awe and shock as your little sisters get pulled over instead.
K) Get a creative outlet.
Now is the perfect time to start up a new novel or other art form. It’s also a great time to scream into the sky that you hate it.
L) Procrastinate.
Now is our time procrastinators. We can put off today what can be done tomorrow. Know why? Because we’ll still be stuck in the stupid house tomorrow.
M) Internet shop.
We’ve already spent most of our life savings. Why stop at most?
N) memes.
Memes are the answer to everything. They will get us through.
O) Let it out.
Yell. Scream. Cry. Whatever.
P) social media.
There’s some cool stuff going on with everyone trapped inside going insane. And no one can pick on you for staring at your phone because they’re all doing the exact same thing. Your move, boomer.
Q) Don’t rule out zombies.
Just because they haven’t arrived yet, doesn’t mean they won’t start. Also, vampires. We’ve all been locked inside away from sunlight for awhile.
R) Read.
Old books, new books. Read them all.
S) Garden.
Unless you live in Nebraska.
T) Sled.
If you live in Nebraska this is your alternative to gardening.
I bet you thought I was going to go through the whole alphabet with tips huh? Or even that I would match the first letter of the tip to the corresponding letter of the alphabet. But no. Just because I have the time to do it doesn’t mean I’m going to waste my time doing it.
It’s not like you can come over here and stop me.
How are you getting by through this weird time? Are you still clinging to your sanity, or have you embraced the madness?
DISCLAIMER: This is in no way meant to belittle or make light of the people who are struggling with this illness or are suffering job loss because of it. My heart absolutely goes out to them and I’ve been praying every day this will end soon. This post is strictly me trying to find a little humor in the insane times we find ourselves in.
