The ABCs of Pandemic Survival

Hello good folks. 

I’m coming to you today with a comprehensive list of how to survive a worldwide pandemic. Having made it this far, I’m basically an expert. Especially considering I was doing most of these long before social distancing started. 

A) Be a hermit.

It’s cool, really. Bilbo was a hermit and he’s loved worldwide. Don’t go outside, and if you do make sure it’s just to the boundary of your own garden. 

B) Be antisocial. 

Again, Bilbo perfected this, and he’s loved worldwide. It served him very well too. You’ll notice that when Bilbo broke his routine of antisocial hermit-hood, he was very nearly eaten by a dragon and thrown from the parapets by a gold deranged dwarf king. Avoid any such unpleasantness and all other people as well. 

C) Stock up on the essentials. 

Since you’ll be at home speaking to no one, you’re going to need a few things. I’m going out on a limb here and assuming you’re part of the population who didn’t make it to the store before the army of crazies descended and stole all the toilet paper. If that’s the case, may I suggest Imodium? A toilet paper pandemic is not the time to get the flu. Also, coffee. It prevents insanity, depression, and homicidal tendencies. (Results may vary) 

D) Binge watch

There’s never been a better time to watch your favorite shows. But, might I suggest taking into account the people you are isolated with? You’re already mentally taxed at this point. You really don’t want to have The Zombie Talk with a three year old. 

E) Binge cook 

All the recipes. Main dishes, side dishes, desserts and every dish in between. Remember though that trips to the grocery store are limited, ingredients are scarce, and there is no toilet paper anywhere. Binge cooking also tends to lead to binge eating, which could mean your pants won’t fit by the time this is all over. Binge with caution. 

F) Spring Clean. 

Use this time at home to tackle all the neglected cupboards and closets in the house. 

Actually, don’t. No one needs that kind of negativity. 

G) Video chat with friends and family. 

Just make sure you never actually enter the camera screen. I know we’d all like to think we’re rocking a cool apocalypse outfit, but we’re mostly rocking the look of death by anxiety and sleep deprivation, with an unhealthy dose of caffeine and sugar high. 

H) Home and yard improvement. 

Beautify your space! Just remember, social distancing applies to the hardware store also, and your bank account is empty because you bought all the groceries for binge cooking. 

I) Embrace the opportunities 

Never before has it been socially acceptable to cosplay on a daily basis in public. Are you just gonna let that slip by? Why stop at a basic face mask when you can dress like the worlds best supervillain. And I, I will be on my couch, laughing hysterically at the memes people make of you. 

J) Cruise Baby.

Talk your town into putting on a cruise night. Wave and honk at people like you actually like them. Pretend it’s the golden days and play oldies. Wear sneakers and poodle skirts if you want. Hype of the fact that your dad and husband are gonna tear up the town like they did as youngsters. Then stare in awe and shock as your little sisters get pulled over instead. 

K) Get a creative outlet. 

Now is the perfect time to start up a new novel or other art form. It’s also a great time to scream into the sky that you hate it. 

L) Procrastinate. 

Now is our time procrastinators. We can put off today what can be done tomorrow. Know why? Because we’ll still be stuck in the stupid house tomorrow. 

M) Internet shop. 

We’ve already spent most of our life savings. Why stop at most? 

N) memes. 

Memes are the answer to everything. They will get us through. 

O) Let it out. 

Yell. Scream. Cry. Whatever. 

P) social media. 

There’s some cool stuff going on with everyone trapped inside going insane. And no one can pick on you for staring at your phone because they’re all doing the exact same thing. Your move, boomer. 

Q) Don’t rule out zombies. 

Just because they haven’t arrived yet, doesn’t mean they won’t start. Also, vampires. We’ve all been locked inside away from sunlight for awhile. 

R) Read.

Old books, new books. Read them all. 

S) Garden.

Unless you live in Nebraska. 

T) Sled.

If you live in Nebraska this is your alternative to gardening.

I bet you thought I was going to go through the whole alphabet with tips huh? Or even that I would match the first letter of the tip to the corresponding letter of the alphabet. But no. Just because I have the time to do it doesn’t mean I’m going to waste my time doing it. 

It’s not like you can come over here and stop me. 

How are you getting by through this weird time? Are you still clinging to your sanity, or have you embraced the madness? 

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way meant to belittle or make light of the people who are struggling with this illness or are suffering job loss because of it. My heart absolutely goes out to them and I’ve been praying every day this will end soon. This post is strictly me trying to find a little humor in the insane times we find ourselves in. 

Coffee Makes the World Go ‘Round

When you have a baby, everyone gets busy telling you to take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water. Get lots of rest. Take it easy. Try to eat healthy. Get started exercising as soon as the doctor says you can. 

Good advice. Sound advice. Hard to follow advice. 

I drink water like it’s going out of style, and still had to go to the doctor to get an IV. 

Rest?? What’s rest? You can’t get any rest between a two year old and a newborn. They don’t nap in sync. 

Take it easy ... I don’t understand. I just spent nine months uncomfortable with less and less mobility. I have things to do now, people! 

I do try to eat healthy. I do. But have you ever had a craving? Mine is suddenly dark chocolate—something I don’t even like usually. But not just any dark chocolate. Frozen dark chocolate. I want it so crunchy I risk breaking a tooth. 

And ah, exercise. The mom bod. No one wants that. I don’t want that. But how, pray tell, do you have the energy to work out if you’re doing all the things and not getting any rest and constantly distracted by an undying need for frozen dark chocolate? 

Where do you turn? Who do you go to? What is there that can alleviate these stresses? 

Coffee is the answer to all the things. 

Coffee in your morning smoothie. Coffee in your coffee. 

Espresso in your (dark) chocolate chip cookies. 

All of the coffee. 

It’s really starting to make sense to me why my childhood buddy drank his coffee so black we couldn’t go shooting afterward because he was shaking so badly. We got problems. 

This has been a public service announcement. Or maybe a health warning. 

Gifs from Google

Alien Sick Days

Hi guys!

I’m convinced I need to change blogging to a day other than Wednesday. Every time Wednesday rolls around something rolls in with it that annihilates my ability to put together a proper blog post. 

Overdramatic, you say? There are far more dramatic people in the world than me. I assure you. 

I’ve been fighting a migraine since Lorie was born. I thought it was from the spinal, but the doctor says it shouldn’t last that long, and figures it’s my hormones. Her solution was to “force the migraine out of my body.” Like I’ve got some kind of alien parasite or something. 

We tried a couple rounds of prescription meds with no success, so yesterday they had me come in for IV fluids and more meds to perform the exorcism—I mean migraine purge. 

Wonderfully, it seems to have worked and I’m currently headache free. Which is really saying something because since I got home last night my body has been conspiring to cause me as much stress as possible. 

Such as the fact that my left eye swelled up like a balloon. Not even joking. It was nearly shut, my eyelashes disappeared, I couldn’t close the eye without it putting massive pressure on my eyeball. I spent the whole night looking like a cyclops. Or maybe more like a banished fire nation prince. Because the rest of me was still pretty. 

Went to sleep only to wake up two hours later with massive stomach flu problems. Pretty much camped out in the bathroom from midnight to five, and then snagged about an hour of sleep before everyone woke up and needed attention. 

To top that off, my eye is still swollen. If it sticks around much longer I’ll have to develop an interesting backstory for it. Because “it randomly blew up and I have no idea why” isn’t all that epic. 

One thing is certain. I am thankful for the Nick Jr channel, the fact that newborns sleep all the time, and that the alien migraine seems to have found a different host. 

All gifs from Google

One Baby To Rule Them All

Hey guys! 

Do you ever get into one of those ruts where you want to accomplish SO MUCH that you actually don’t accomplish much at all?

That’s kind of my life right now. I just have this weird feeling of urgency. Like I need to get everything done right this instant. But in the last week or so my body has also decided it’s actually pregnant. I’m kind of at baby girl’s mercy, and I just have zero energy. 

Basically, all I want to accomplish is edit Mad Hatter perfectly in one fell swoop, slap out the entire draft of Viking, read like eighteen books, clean the house, make all the decor,  listen to my music, get some sleep, and eat all the snacks. 

What I’ve actually done is not read a single book in months (except a smidge of beta reading, which was very fun), not touched the Viking document at all, ate a few snacks and then puked them back up, listened to Barney sing the same stinking song over and over, and have a Hobbit and Lord of the Rings marathon, thereby ruining any chance of sleep. 

Can we talk for a second about the awesomeness of Viggo Mortensen? The man is a phenomenal actor, that’s all there is to it. 

One thing I did manage to accomplish though is reaching the halfway point—maybe a smidge over—of my Mad Hatter edits, in three days. Which is kind of terrifying me, because it feels way too easy, and I’m liking how it’s turning out, so I’m absolutely convinced that I missed something horrifically obvious. Probably due to lack of sleep. 

Really kinda sorta ready for baby girl to arrive. Not that it will help much in the sleep department. But I should be able to move a bit better.

Sorry for the ramble. One does not simply blog while pregnant and sleep deprived. 

The Sound of Brain Cells Dying

Would someone please tell the pregnant lady with the brain fog that she’s supposed to blog on Wednesday’s? 

Three Tips to Keep You Writing This Summer

 Hi guys! 

I hope you have all been having a great summer (especially since it’s nearly over. What????). 

Ours has been full and busy, but definitely a fun one. 

Amidst doctor visits, fairs, family gatherings, and farm work, it’s been a little hard to get any writing done. 

But somehow I’ve managed to putt along and make it to chapter four in my rewrite of Blood and Dust. It’s a little traumatizing, because the story was monstrously large to begin with, and the word count keeps growing. I’m really hoping when I get to the meat of the story that I can start slashing it down to a proper size, as that was one of the issues that kept coming up with the agents who requested a full. 

Today I thought I’d talk a little bit about my writing process, and how to carve time out to write while it’s summer. With a little dedication and perseverance, summer can be a productive season for writers, no matter how busy our schedules get. 

Tip #1. Set an alarm. 

You have to just decide you’re going to get up early and write, because summer days are full of distractions and obligations. I like to set my alarm for 6:30 and then hit snooze every ten minutes until about 7:20. This must be a good technique, because my husband uses it for his farm work too.

Tip #2. Create a routine.

Writers are creatures of habit and OCD tendencies. So it’s important to create a routine for yourself that gets you mentally prepared to write. After I crawl out of bed and get dressed, I like to find breakfast and something to drink. Preferably something hot and caffeinated, but anything wet will do. The corn is tasseling here, so it’s also helpful if I blow my nose about eight million times before sitting down. Can’t really write if you can’t breathe. Then it’s time to fire up the computer. I’m ready...just as soon as it goes through all of its updates and powers on. If you’re you, that’s when you can start writing. If you’re me, that’s when Henry is going to wake up. 

Tip #3. Be flexible. 

You might have to use different methods to write. The notes app on your phone is great. It’s mobile, small, and gives you access to research and Pinterest inspiration...that recipe looks really good. I should make that for dinner. Do I have the ingredients? No. Shoot. I’ll have to go to the store right now. I can write later. 

I actually do have to go to the store now guys. I’m out of bananas and have had no breakfast, and I don’t have the main ingredient for dinner. So this trip is actually going to help me get some writing done today, as it will remove distractions. Wish me luck. 

How do you find time to write in the summer? 

On Vague Tutorials and My Identity Crisis

Hey guys!

Monday I built Henry a slide.

It was sort of a funny story because we ordered the actual slide part knowing it didn't come with any stand or steps, etc. I asked Jarod if that was something he would be willing to build, and he said yes.

So then the slide actually came and I asked him when we could get started and he said I could build it. I had my reservations, since I don't build things, and it was my child that was going to be playing on the thing, but he insisted I could do it.

"Then when people come over you can tell them all about how you're the one who built it," he said.

And I thought, I'm not that vain.

Yet here I am, being that vain.

But anyway, have you guys ever noticed that when you look for a tutorial online for literally anything--hair, makeup, building projects--they all show a messy first picture. Maybe one picture in between, and then the finished product and the directions are just... this is what you need... we're not sure how much of all of that stuff you need, but whatever...it was super easy...just put it together...and you're done!

???

How is that teaching me anything?? If I knew how to just put together the super easy thing I wouldn't be on here reading your tutorial. Duh.

This right here could be a five star tutorial you guys.

• You need some 2x4's. Nine of them, eight feet long. Or something.
• And some screws. We used 3 1/2 inch ones.
• A tape measure is nice.
• Saw horses would have been nicer, but a chair and picnic table will work.
• Also, a circular saw. DONT CUT YOUR FINGERS OFF!
• A pen or marker.
• And my husband said I needed a square, and I tried valiantly to use it, and nothing really happened, so we'll mark that as optional.
• A drill and bits. Bits you don't like, preferably, because you could break two.

Awesome! So that's what you need, now on to how to actually do it.
 

Measure out your boards. We have no formula for this. Just do the math. Legs, braces, steps, platform, railing, etc, etc. This is elementary level addition here. 

Cut the scientifically measured boards.

Screw them together. But first, drill little holes slightly smaller than the screws, so you don't split the board. Once all your tiny drill bits break off in the boards, just screw the screws in anyway.

Use lots of screws so things are stable.

Measure.

Align.

Magic.

And viola!! A fully assembled slide! Your kids are gonna love it.

I hope you guys enjoyed my tutorial.

Be sure to subscribe, leave a glowing review, and five star rating.

Love you guys!

XOXOXOX

Can anyone relate to what I just said? I cannot be the only one who finds these ridiculously unhelpful reviews.

If I am, that's probably going to give me an identity crisis.

Even though I'm already having one.

When asked the question am I a dog or a cat person, I will always, always tell you dog. Hands down. My firm stance is that I'm mildly allergic to cats, don't really like them, but keep them around to keep the rodent population down.

This last month one of my two farm cats had kittens.

And I've been so excited. I strictly post pictures of Henry playing with them to save face, but rest assured I am totally excited.



Ronan, Adam, and Gansey

They're adorable. All boys, and named Gansey, Adam, Ronan, and Noah in honor of The Raven Boys.

Noah actually didn't make it, so...it's fitting considering the events of the book.

But you know, these kittens were thrust upon me. Their mother had them in the garage. I couldn't help it. It's not like I volunteered to be a cat person.

But last night I went to take Jarod a sandwich while he was out planting corn, and when I went to the hydrant to fill his water jug I heard desperate meowing. Now in the place where we were, there are never cats. It's not normal to hear cats there.

So I took him his water, and while walking back found this little gray and white kitten hiding in a bucket. She came right to me and I was like, "Ok, she's coming home with us."

Long story short, me and Henry spent the evening tracking down every lonely meow--through hayfields and prickly weeds--until we found all four kittens.
My guess is someone dumped them, because they were all scattered, and crying, very hungry, and relatively friendly.

They're at our house now. Loving life. Full bellies. And trying to get used to the dog and our current cats.

...
I'm a dog person, you guys. I AM A DOG PERSON!


So what about you? Do you have any tutorial nightmare stories? Or have you found any great ones?
Are you a cat or dog person, and which one are you really?

Mother’s Day Shopping Guide

Hey guys!

With Mother’s Day right around the corner, a lot of people are scrambling trying to find gifts. 

But what do you get a woman who has everything?

(We know she has everything because she’s got you, okay? Obviously.) 

Not only do I have a mom, I am a mother. Not to mention the proud recipient of two mother-in-laws (pray for me guys) (no actually, they’re both really great), and two grandmas. I know some stuff about Mother’s Day. 

So here is my official gift buying guide for Mother’s Day. 

1. Flowers. Who doesn’t love flowers, really? There’s something especially sweet about spending a fortune on something that’s gonna die in a few days. However, if your mom is at all like me, she might preserve those glorious bouquets and use them to decorate the house for all eternity. This way, it’s kind of like the coffins for Pharaoh mummies. They’re still dead, but they’re pretty. Or you could go the living flower route. Potted plants or hanging baskets are great. Unless your mom is like me and my black thumb. Then they’ll be dead, but not pretty. 
2. Take her out to dinner. She spent your entire existence feeding you, so you pretty much owe her one. Or a lot of ones. Go all out, because I guarantee you every time you said “I don’t care” when asked what you wanted to eat, made her feel like killing you. And yet here you are reading this, alive (right? I have a strict no ghost policy here), so that counts for a lot. We’re talking steak, or lobster. Even steak and lobster. 
3. Send her on a trip. Sometimes moms just need to get away. But don’t send her anywhere she is required to wear a swimsuit. Let her make that decision for herself. Because as well as making her a mother, you also ruined any chance she had at abs. It was all you, and had nothing whatsoever to do with chocolate or mashed potatoes. 
4. Chocolate. Or any of her favorite snacks. Since you already ruined her abs there’s really no point in giving up the good stuff. 
5. Coffee. No matter how old you are now—even if you’re moved out of the house—I can guarantee she still hasn’t fully recovered from sleep deprivation. Ya girl needs some caffeine. 
6. Buy her something she’ll love. But literally only do this if you know she’ll actually love it. Remember how in high school you swore you and your mom were so different and had different tastes? It’s still true. If she gives a tight lipped smile, her eye twitches, she laughs, or simply says “oh...thanks” after opening it you know you messed up. 
7. Send her shopping. This is the safest way to be sure she loves her gift. Let her buy it herself. Gift cards and cash will never be turned down. Unless of course you buy a gift card to a store you shop at that she’s never stepped foot in. Then I don’t know if there’s hope for you. Moms like routine. They don’t want to be plunged into a new store expected to find something they like enough to buy. It’s stressful. Learn where she shops and stick to it. 
8. Do not give her breakfast in bed. Let the dang woman sleep, okay? You can make her breakfast in the kitchen once she’s good and ready to get up. 

So hopefully that clears some stuff up for everyone doing last minute shopping. Now go forth and treat your life-giver.